I Crave Depth: My Co-Pilot Manifesto.


A recent night at dinner with a friend triggered a conversation that I followed with this tweet:
I Crave Depth.

After being asked to dive deeper by my accountabili-buddy (yeah, I spelled that right) Dan, I got thinking.  What does that actually mean to me?  Why do I value this so highly in a partner?

My mind began whirling on a list of things that matter to me.  Things I want to know about him.  Things I want him to want to know about me.

This is the pillow talk stuff, but I don’t want it to happen only at the pillow.  I want it to happen in the kitchen, on long car rides, at the falafel shop, standing in line at the grocery story, while folding laundry, in epic text sessions when we’re apart.  To yearn for that knowledge and immerse in the connection that sharing this all brings…That’s my definition of depth.

I decided to write…A soulmate wish-list, if you will.  I realize it’s a tall order to expect so many things from one person.  In one way or another, I believe your inner circle is all a part of exploring these things or sharing in experiences.  But why can’t I want it all?  We dedicate so much energy to what we want our jobs to look like, what we put on our resumes, how we’ll provide for our kids, what is our 3-5-10 year plan…Yet for our partner in life, we play as we go rather than deciding what that means and defining how it matters.

I don’t want to love ordinarily.

I’m not putting anyone through a formal interview, and history has shown me that the right ones will fall into my need for a “depth dancer” without checking anything off.

Still, I decided to make my list.  I wanted to explore what it looked like.  What is that thing I deeply crave, desire… What does that depth actually mean?  Thus was born my Co-Pilot Manifesto.

I’m only sharing in hopes of inspiring you to create your own.  Dream, envelop, and indulge.

What stirs me:

  • Someone who wants to read what I write because they want to know the world through my glasses.
  • I don’t care about that fancy car, the house or if your hair is thinner than it used to be; I care about that dream you haven’t made reality yet.
  • The person who stops me in my daily frantic energy to ask me why.  And slows me down.
  • The vulnerable soul behind the business card title.
  • Someone who reads my words and falls in love with them before they even know me.
  • Come as you are, not who you think I want you to be.
  • The things you buy me would never be a suitable substitution for how you look at me from across a busy room.
  • Be a complete nerd about what you love and know that I’ll adore you more for it.
  • Travel the world with me, just because you want to see how people live and become rich with experiences.
  • Talk to me about things I don’t care about because it will stretch my mind… Like space travel, how to build a kite and what the inside of a car engine looks like.
  • Understand why I love my dog so much, and share in the energy unconditional love provides.
  • Entertain me in my quirky questions of the plural way to say “moose”, why coconuts are the miracle food, and why I want teleportation as my super power.
  • Ask me how I’m feeling.
  • Drunk dial me at 3 am during a night with the boys because your illogical mind says you can’t wait to hear my voice until I wake.
  • Stare at the stars or a powerful waterfall and explore the questions of our existence and our significance.
  • Write me a poem, a song, a story… Even if it’s stupid and even if you feel stupid writing it.
  • Be ridiculous in public and make me do it with you, even when I protest.
  • Try my green juice even though it looks gross to you.  Ask me why I drink it.
  • Listen to the lyrics of my favorite songs and find out what those words are saying to me.
  • Sit with me on the edge.

What I crave:

  • Challenge me on the things I love so I can answer the why.
  • Tell me I’m beautiful when you think it, when it doesn’t make sense and I’m not dolled up.
  • Stay up with me all night when I’m anxious and hold my hand in knowing silence.
  • Understand when I act toughest is when I’m hiding my largest insecurities and support me anyway.
  • Explore questions like: If you were a beer, what would you be and why?
  • Belly laugh with me every day.  Seriously, make it a point.
  • Question why I haven’t read that intended book on my nightstand yet.
  • Encourage me to write about it, and then shut the door and let me do it.
  • Love me even when you’re pissed off at me.
  • Make me talk about why I’m mad even when I don’t look like I want to.  I need to.
  • Tell me I’m full of shit when I am.  I’m a good BS-er.
  • Humor my crazy questions, there just might be something to them.
  • Call me on it.

I want to know…

  • What hasn’t anyone asked you?
  • Why do you love that thing you do so passionately?
  • If money weren’t a factor, what do you think your real gift to the world is?
  • Why did you choose your career?  Are you happy with the decisions you made?
  • What do you want your last breaths to look like?
  • What would make you feel you got the most out of this life?
  • I want to know why you do that the way you do it.  And why do you insist?
  • What sends shivers down your spine?
  • Why do you care?
  • What has held you back?
  • Tell me your heartbreak and how it changed you.
  • What ideals and values do you want our family to uphold?
  • How do I help you live your dreams?
  • How do I lift you higher?
  • What is my role to make you better?

Share my awareness that life is far too short, and be my partner in maximizing moments.
Teach me to take a breath, sit in it for a while, and enjoy it with me.
Let’s craft the moments you can’t put into words.

This is my depth.  This is what I think about, want to know, want to feel.

What is your Co-Pilot Manifesto?  I encourage you to explore the same.



  1. This. I want this. All of it. Well, except I’d like mine in female form. 🙂 But seriously, a relationship that is based on this level of depth and honesty…wow. I can only imagine how awesome that would be.

    Thank you for writing this, and for sharing it. Even though I am a writer myself, I’ve never been to articulate this desire as well as you have here. Thank you for giving me clarity and insight into myself.

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